person with an anxiety disorder/depression:
i can't perform this task not because i choose not to but because im a worthless piece of shit and if i fail (which im probably going to) then everyone will finally realize how useless i am and hate me so what's the point
It’s amazing how one random stupid thing can put you in a mood, then you think of everything else, that has nothing to do with that one thing, that is going wrong. Thanks to that I am currently crying. Like a loser.
Was in the middle of filming and there was a knock on the door. I was going to ignore it since I live with an ra and i assumed it was a student. Maintenance walks comes storming in. Had to stop recording and now I’m awkwardly sitting in my room extra quite until they leave.
It’s 1:13 am. Why must you be a spaz? I have to be at work at 8:30 meaning I have to be up early. Do you want to continue to receive good boys? Then let me sleep so I can afford them!
It’s my fault that I went to college.
It’s my fault that the economy crashed.
It’s my fault that you had to leave your job when that happened.
It’s my fault that you won’t be able to make that much money again.
It’s my fault you had to go bankrupt.
It’s my fault that the bills can’t be paid.
It’s my fault that you have to borrow money.
It’s my fault that the government shut down.
It’s my fault you will not get your disability check in the mail.
It’s my fault you won’t get your retired military check either.
It’s my fault that this month you won’t have $700 needed for bills.
It’s my fault that I like art.
It’s my fault I’m not good at science.
It’s my fault I’m not good in math.
It’s my fault I’m not good with history.
It’s my fault I’m not book smart.
It my fault that I can’t make money appear as fast as it can disappear.
It’s my fault that I have no idea what I want to do in life.
It’s my fault that I know I want to make people happy.
It’s my fault that I want to make a difference in this world.
It’s my fault I want to do good.
It’s my fault that I have disabilities that make me struggle.
It’s my fault I anxiety.
It’s my fault I have ADHD.
It’s my fault I have depression.
It my fault I have OCD.
It’s my fault I struggle.
It’s my fault that I can’t ask for help.
It’s my fault I can’t express myself without fear.
It’s my fault that everything goes wrong.
It’s my fault that you are angry.
It’s my fault that I try but can’t succeed to make you proud and happy.
It’s my fault that I can’t be happy with out you being upset.
It’s my fault that try and fail.
It’s my fault and I’m sorry.
“1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.”—
I just don’t understand. You were kicked out of your house and live in your friends house barely work because they cut your hours refuse to work in fast food because it’s “not you” and spend your money on video game. If I were you I would pick up as many jobs as possible get out of my friends house stop buying all the shit I don’t need and get my own apartment.
Finally told my parents why I don’t like the kid that they let move in. He harassed me and my friends, sometimes sexually. Plus when he moved in he had a comment for what ever I said in my own house, what ever I did in my own house, and what ever I wore in my own house. I was sick of it and finally asked him in a not so kind voice why he felt the need to comment on everything surrounding me and it threw him off. Now he knows not to talk to me because I won’t acknowledge him. He doesn’t understand why I don’t like him, but maybe once he grows up a bit he will understand. I feel bad because I’m treating the kid like garbage but he deserves it. The child is now not even making an effort to move out when he said it would be only three weeks. It’s been almost two months. I straight up said that when I move back in this house in December he should be gone. I don’t think I could live here two months feeling uncomfortable in the house I grew up in. I didn’t tell my parents the part where I feel uncomfortable because I know they would feel so guilty letting this child live on the streets because of me. They do care about me and they do say I come first but I couldn’t let them have that on their mind all the time. I have no idea what to do.